Posts tagged ‘tua’

October 10, 2012

Voisez III

I am not here to lecture, for who am I? One of the many unspecials roaming the walk of life, assimilating with the majority, finding its place in society. Being part of the great dramaturgy. Wearing all these masks and goggles exchanging one with the other and on the way collecting more. Learning, as well as advising, at least trying to advise what little we have learned to others that face what we have faced before. To face all with all these synthetic faces. Being, more or less, human.

Depression, one of the most common “mind disease” or commonly referred as disorders. I have seen once, with my own eyes, how depression can really consume someone’s sanity. Knowing this fact, it has always been somewhat a reminder for me, to endlessly seek for better coping mechanisms on how to at least suppress these faceless voices, the hallucination, and the constant overburdening fear and anxiety that comes abrupt and almost unnoticeable. Writing this almost meaningless — and mostly for archival purposes — post is one of them. Pin-pointing where in my life in which I start to feel these insecurities, and analysing what little data there is. As always, the mind is one of the biggest jerks that we face in our lives. In the face of instability it seems that the mind, as illogical as it seems, tries to go against sanity. A very queer mechanism. In the face of high priority problems, the mind just seems to quit, its like there is this sort of “fuck this” switch which could be toggled in an instant without the knowledge of it’s owner. Befell in depression, and just clawing your way out of a well filled with thick mud. Difficult as hell, and the  more we try the more we freak out because somehow it seems to not work. But then we justify ourselves, that this thick mud will soon settle and harden, which means that at least one problem from the eternal shit-list will automatically solve itself, on how to climb out of the well is a completely different problem also nestled somewhere in the eternal shit-list. Do we wait for some good-natured passer by come to the rescue, ladder/rope  in hand? or do we claw our way to the top with the spare energy still left in our souls after struggling just to survive the mud? Again, it is choices, options, wants, and needs. Something so abundant, which for the same reason, becomes the catalyst as well as the obstacle in reaching whatever it is we strive to reach.

There.

Depression averted, for now.

The big bulging feeling inside the head has more or less subsided. The voices squawk no more. Anxiety  lifted by the sound of flutes from my headphone.

Flutes, fucking flutes from a score sheet created hundreds of years past by Mozart.

It takes, an attempted suicide, and a visit to a dear friend in the psychiatric ward, for me at least, to really understand the workings of depression and the struggle to survive this so-called mental illness. To actually survive life, to not give in. To actually put a real meaning to “earning life and all its perks”. We owe ourselves that at least, a chance to earn something. A dream of an average length but fruitful life.

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October 4, 2012

The Money:Problem Ratio

Money is what God used to be. Good and evil have no meaning any longer except  failure and success. Hence the profoundly significant phrase, to make good. The Decalogue has been reduced to two commandments. One for the employers — the elect, the money-priesthood as it were –‘Thou shalt make money’; the other for the employed slaves and underlings– ‘Thou shalt not lose thy job.’

-George Orwell in Keep The Aspidistra Flying

In the same novel, Orwell also wrote: “Lack of money means discomfort, means squalid worries, means shortage of tobacco, means ever-present conciousness of failure — above all, it means loneliness.” Although a very timeless, not to mention precise, observation it is also a very naive perspective. Satirically Orwellian  in every aspect, but still, the degree of alienation of what success offers is almost as significant as the loneliness offered by inadequate personal funding. The concept of living day to day with a very limited amount of money will always create this multitudinous level of envy towards welfare states, a friend of mine came back from Germany and told me that, evidently, washing machines and television has been categorized as a basic need for the people there. Here in Indonesia that need is reduced to: “being able to excrete faeces in a hole or something resembling one” and even that doesn’t fare well.

I am not much of a socialist, the concept of shared wealth has always been some sort of ideal type for me in a way, but if that same concept supports the creation of trashpeople1; then perhaps it is a concept de manqué or inelegantly failed concept. A folly on the much larger concept of “taking care of those in need” which evidently somehow fails to pinpoint whom it is that actually has those needs. There was this lecture once in which the roles of the states of the worlds — whether major or minor — has transformed from individual states into a part of this array of global villages, in which each village is interconnected forming more practical means for communication, transportation, and — above all — policy. What isn’t explained is that this global village consists only of the top layer of the society, leaving the bottom feeders to stay in a foetal position and shivering. Kind of like the curdled butter when churning butter, the buttermilk stays on top while the butter clumps down in a vat made out of goat’s stomach devoid of air and light. Not unlike butter, when bad bacteria is introduced to the buttermilk while churning, the butter will also be affected. So when these top level global villaged some percent of society are introduced to new policies and models, the whole society must concur. When policy dictates that capital is the new threshold of happiness, then let it be so.

Of course we shouldn’t be naivete to go as far to say that “money can NOT buy you happiness” and that the joys of life includes sleeping near train tracks and under bridges. By the 9 circles of Dante’s Inferno, of course no! Capital is the core where joyful feelings reside, the actual warm fuzzy feeling that we are so privileged to touch, taste, smell, see, and hear. It is a bargaining position in respect for the lonely and wasted, a means to reach for a somewhat glorified state, a state unlike what we currently dread, what we have conditioned ourselves. Either in bankruptcy or in a secure job working 8 hours plus overtime without ever seeing the sun on weekdays, there is only delusional constructed  loneliness fuelled by the self-loathing created by the undeniable fact of serial wrong-choosing.

In the end, there are no wrong choices. Just misplaced fortunes. Fortunes accessible through the right dosage of option, chances, wants, and needs.

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1 Trashpeople: people who exploits the fact that their lives are supported by the hard-working few in which they choose to become lazyfux1.1 because, what’s the point of trying harder? (unrelated to trash men, which in a very big way is of great significance in our society)

1.1 lazyfux: actually, yeah, just lazy fucks

October 12, 2011

The Worry Reference Guide

The older we are, the more we worry about consequences;

We worry about the future;

We worry about reactions;

We worry about leaving our mobile phones at home;

We worry about leaving our wallets at home;

We worry about leaving our keys at home;

We worry about leaving the house;

We worry about where we parked the car;

We worry about where we put our car keys;

We worry about car accidents;

We worry about not filling enough fuel;

We worry about the yellow fuel  indicator going on and off and no gas station in sight;

We worry about what we eat;

We worry about obesity;

We worry about illnesses caused by obesity;

We worry about being late;

We worry about being neglected;

We worry about being monitored;

We worry about being rejected;

We worry about sin;

We worry  about grace;

We worry about not being thankful;

We worry about the presence of god;

We worry whether if there is a god;

We worry the earth will be hit by a giant meteor;

We worry the earth will be swallowed by the sun;

We worry about food additives;

We worry about cancer;

We worry about AIDS;

We worry about getting her pregnant;

We worry about marriage;

We worry about commitment;

We worry about infidelity;

We worry about being too nice;

We worry about being mean;

We worry about fitting in;

We worry about spending too much;

We worry about the shoes we wear;

We worry about the colour of our shirt;

We worry about which jeans to wear;

We worry about being over-dressed;

We worry about being under-dressed;

We worry about the latest trends;

We worry about what’s hip;

We worry about being hip;

We worry about bands we used to like becoming hip;

We worry about being proven wrong;

We worry about being stingy;

We worry about not making enough money;

We worry about our job security;

We worry about hating our job;

We worry about becoming mindless corporate whores;

We worry about what would happen if we quit our jobs;

We worry about what other people think;

We worry about worrying to much;

We worry about not worrying enough;

We worry about eventually dying and there is nothing we can do;

And we worry about the afterlife;

Or whether there is an afterlife;

Would we go to heaven;

Would we go to hell;

Would we go into limbo;

Would we feel our body rotting;

Would we taste the earth in our mouths;

Would we feel numb;

……………………………;

What would it feel like?

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A worry list, how cliché and unoriginal.

July 20, 2011

Ideals, Choice, and Additional Fuck-ups

Image Stolen from http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2000-06-25/ if offended please contact admin (smiley here)

This made me smirk… An almost-smile.

This strip is very likely a satirical attempt from Scott Adams’ highly famous Dilbert to portray the manipulative schemes of the corporate world. But beyond that, this strip actually made me think about the considerations about challenging jobs versus non challenging jobs – non challenging jobs in this context are not specifically menial jobs but more in the areas of administrative tasks – in which i raise the question: are we willing to work in a non-challenging work environment even-though the pay is good enough? Most of us, most of the “normal” majority that is, would probably say yes, why the fuck wouldn’t we? Well, while most would, there still would be some that disagree. Their argument would be “it is a waste of talent”, to this i would probably agree, half-heartedly.

But as the french say: “cest la vie”, and that says a lot. We are forced by society to merge in with the others and become economic animals, to follow the herd into the capilistic heaven known by a large number of people as wealth. I myself have no problem with this, the first answer to “are you working for money or passion?” i answered money in a split second. But this answer does not go without reason. The problem with economic animals these days is that greed becomes the centre of play, we earn to consume products that are beyond our spending power which aren’t consumable or long lasting. Even if they are long lasting society dictates that it expires as it goes “out of fashion”. This is the “mass culture trap” we as the consumers are no longer the subject, we are no longer actors with free will, we are objects that can easily be manipulated into submission. Submission to consume; to buy things that you find no use of by the advertiser, brand consultants, and marketers who are paid by the companies that produce such products. I chose money, and my argument here — as defensive as it seems i still claim as valid — is because i can use this capital to fuel my passion. Whether it be arts, culinary, or plain leisure my income suits my wants and needs. More importantly this capital is used to create. Items of interest: production tools. It is still a form of consumerism, but at least constructive consumerism. A sort of buy to sell attitude, even though the selling part does not have to be true. Consumption as a lifestyle if not complemented by production is,well, dumb. Not dumb in a sense that those who sport this fashion are idiots, but more in a sense that it is counter productive.

Production here is not measured by financial gain, it is not profit in an economic sense. Production is producing something from raw materials, whether it is physical materials or abstract ideas. The profit is pleasure of creation and an ego boost catalysed by appreciation. In doing so, maybe, just maybe, we can escape the mass culture trap and start being our own producers instead of the dumbfounded shoppers that we already are.

*For further reading on “mass culture” search for Theodore Adorno’s The Dialectic of Enlightenment

July 20, 2011

The Dualism of Memories

There are always good memories to smile about, even when it involves the unwanted outcomes of things we hoped for. 

Note: This post will probably be one of the few with a positive perspective.

Memories of personal accounts are often biased, we remember what we want to remember and obscure the details for the more unwanted incidents. Well of course everyone already knows about this, I assume. But this well known fact raises an assumption that there must be two sides of a certain memory, two polarities: a negative and a positive. I would’ve written down “good” and “bad” but these terms are a bit too subjective to be used here. Anyway, these to polarities aren’t of the memory itself, but the effect of the memory. A photograph of a not so long ago occurrence for example, awkwardly it produces a very not so obvious smile. This photograph, although in a way a reminder of heartbreak, had a quality that reminds of a very unique moment that is enjoyable. A memory irreplaceable and still un-replaced. This is the dualism of memories, how something that triggers despise triggers joy as well, simultaneously. Most of the time, especially under minimum logic, we fail to see these dualisms that occur. We become one sided. A narrow minded attempt to recalling past events. But rest assure these dualisms are real, and to realize it exists balances our biased logic and raises introspect. Amin.

June 22, 2011

From This Height, The 19th Floor, The Centre of It All

From this height the city seems cold, dull, and uninviting. Despite the fact that there, in the middle of commerce, stands a monument with statuettes raising their arms, in a manner of openness and warmth. Still, it seems faked. Despite the fact the architecture of surrounding buildings are magnificent, from here it seems just flat and unattractive. Despite that today is the city’s so called “birthday”, festivities do not promote the surge of euphoria one hopes for. Would it be the thick smog that sucks the very life out of the pedestrians? Or is it just the tenacity of the people, not  to the city, but to the driving force of a band of ever-searching infinite contentment? Or is it just here? The 19th floor?

It feels like, overlooking everything, being in the position of the panoptic, but on the other hand unable to see anything at all. Not because there is nothing in physical form, but because there is nothing of interest to see. Traveling by bus, seeing a lot of people, realizing there are none at all. People stop becoming people as they avoid eye contact, searching aimlessly for a blank spot on the floor or ceiling to focus on, trying to be as cold and closed as they possibly can be. We, of the city, are soulless. We are forced into individuality without the possibility of an individual character. Lemmings. A term some would use that i feel very much fits this phenomenon. Lemmings (the rodents not the video game) are well known to migrate in large groups, blindly following a leader; a trend setter, often to their deaths. Our leader, our trend setter, is fear. This fear is what we follow, a fear to be left out of the group, lonely and isolated. We are ourselves therefore we shall never be alone. We shall never be the same therefore we shall never be alone. We are isolated only in our minds therefore we shall never be alone.

We are similar in variation, by this fact, we will always relate to whatever is thrown at us. To conform is to be fake, to adhere to conformity is to die a non-fatal death. But then again, we enjoy dying, for dying leads to quenching our thirst. Our thirst for establishment. Establishment makes us happy. This is the formula and forever will be true. It comes in many forms: capital, art, goals, epiphanies, welfare. Establishment are these things and more. The popular paradigm is of course capital, for in the modern world capital may allow us to buy other establishments, fulfilling the need to obtain. The city of false hopes and overrated desires. The needs fulfilled temporarily, eternally. Ironic is that i am writing this from the 19th floor, myself contained in the rat race of capital fulfillment. Yet, again paradox interrupts, alas we have our options served and choices made up. We, of the city, the lemmings, the soulless, the blank floor searchers, are addicts of banality and boredom. But in the end we shall survive eventually, more or less intact.

May 27, 2011

Masturbation for The Soul

We do not need acknowledgement, we are – as individuals – in search of self pleasuring; masturbation for the soul. Although at times we seem to serve expectations of others, it is ourselves we try to prove. Exploring potentials untill the borderline limit of infinity. There are no others, not even inner circles. Only an apocalyptic ending! The hero, evidently standing alone in a pitch black background. Frameless and asymmetric. An undying immortal. Soul, expired. And so we seek the new thrill; an exception compromised. Bungee cord and noose.

April 14, 2011

The Meaning of “Meaning” …and Many Other Pretentious Existentialist Crap Like That

It  wasn’t the first time they said “We need to meet up, i need you.” but somehow it was the first time I realized I actually meant something. A justifiable boost of ego of course, but nonetheless I have meaning for someone. I account for something.

So,

Meaning.

“What is meaning?”

This phrase is so often in question that  — although never answered — it becomes cliché and jaded, the question of meaning has become meaningless. Based on that particular fact, let us rephrase the question. Instead of asking what it is, we should say “Define meaning!”. Definitions are the closest thing to valid arguments, there is a systematic and logical way of thinking to elaborate these definitions which makes it, well, logical. But trying to be logical in defining meaning would mean that defining meaning is hard, for meaning itself is sometimes illogical (A trinket could at some times be more meaningful than life, a plot of land could be more meaningful than family, financial gain could be more meaningful than friendship, etc. ).  Because of this illogic that attaches itself to meaning, the interconnection lays in its subjective quality.

Something, to us, will have meaning when it has value or function. Say, a safety blanket or a teddy bear; these are things that have emotional values and functions as a comforter. Meaning is constructed by these two factors. Value and function. These are probably why there are terms like “fake friends” or “dysfunctional families” which comes to use. Relationships that contains no value or function whatsoever. Well, maybe a little but probably insignificant to categorize it as meaningful. But again, this is subjective, what is meaningless for one is not always true for others. You can be “fake” for one person and “true” for another, depending on the observers position and opinion.

Then what am I? If I am meaningful, it means that I am merely functional. I am a tool. But if I am not a tool, I am nothing. In nothing we shall perish alone. Not that I want to commit mass suicide and take everyone with me, but it would be great if someone took in kind a memory of me.

Fickle is the mind in understanding the wants and needs. Reorganizing and classifying shifting interchangeable thoughts of  what would matter the least. We, or if you object, I, think too much too often. Over-thinking assumed consequences that probably will never happen. Which comes as an unnecessary safeguard, useless even. But yet, knowing this, we continue to construct thoughts of pessimistic nature just because of the urge of wanting to feel. The need to feel. An addiction to melancholy or at least feeling meaningless, yet at the same time knowing that there is an abundance meaning for some. There are those who have the need to search out for you, a very high valued meaning indeed. The redundancy of feeling self-loath only dismisses the value above. It becomes banal.

Meaning reconstructed: are we truly living a lie?

Since meaning is, at the very beginning, constructed then reconstruction is only a modification of its original form. So may reconstruction aid us into sanity, into inner peace, into a form of conformed redundant jaded banality.

March 17, 2011

Adhere

It is blasphemy, not in a religious sense though. More of a deviation in rationality. Blasphemy in it’s most secular form. What? I cannot truly say, it is a model, a prototype of the extremely profane. It is the epitome of next to nothing. It is the sound of self reassembly, cunningly forming a mould for use in the post-modern era. It is leased life, fully unoriginal, yet accepted by the norms. It is evolution remixed and remastered with a hint of reverberation  and distortion. It is unsalted, bland, yet to a certain degree: a culinary masterpiece. It fits yet it is incompatible. It is the synonym and antonym of all that has been created and destroyed.

Adhere! To those we fail to supply affection and/or apply to. Adhere! For we are misguided freaks craving for attention. Adhere! For we are in a solution of chaos and disinformation.

December 5, 2010

Winning (As In The Eyes of A Child)…

Winning is subjective, an ambiguity. Which  contains the questionable factors of what and how; what do we actually win and how exactly do we win? A statement contrast to popular – and childish – belief of what are we winning and how do we win it? Similar? Well, yes, seemingly, but if we examine closely the latter statement focuses on material values, a tangible object. Where as the former seeks explanation for the meaning, it’s substance. Bear in mind: winning sometimes is a losing battle; it seems that what we win sometimes feel inadequate, not worth the effort, hence it is a loss even though material values are achieved. Personally for me, being at the winning end triggers a slight feeling of loss. Yet, the ego proves strong, denying such grief and calculating the cost-benefit ratio. The benefit precedes.

Or so, I would like to think that.

The win is beneficial in terms that it boosts moral and raise confidence, but there are still these inconsistencies between gloat and guilt. I have won; the other shows a need for me more than i need said other. Logically, i have the upper-hand, but the fact is that losing that someone is still… a loss… a loss intended but alas, a loss nonetheless. And especially since it was predetermined, the guilt seems burdening to a point where the win seems more of a total loss. But we cope, we move on, for many of them come and go; constantly variable. This would probably be what the end of adolescence amounts to: a definitive firm pose in which we obligatorily  carry the weight of the consequences upon ourselves. Neverland has never seemed so far behind.