Posts tagged ‘logic’

October 10, 2012

Voisez III

I am not here to lecture, for who am I? One of the many unspecials roaming the walk of life, assimilating with the majority, finding its place in society. Being part of the great dramaturgy. Wearing all these masks and goggles exchanging one with the other and on the way collecting more. Learning, as well as advising, at least trying to advise what little we have learned to others that face what we have faced before. To face all with all these synthetic faces. Being, more or less, human.

Depression, one of the most common “mind disease” or commonly referred as disorders. I have seen once, with my own eyes, how depression can really consume someone’s sanity. Knowing this fact, it has always been somewhat a reminder for me, to endlessly seek for better coping mechanisms on how to at least suppress these faceless voices, the hallucination, and the constant overburdening fear and anxiety that comes abrupt and almost unnoticeable. Writing this almost meaningless — and mostly for archival purposes — post is one of them. Pin-pointing where in my life in which I start to feel these insecurities, and analysing what little data there is. As always, the mind is one of the biggest jerks that we face in our lives. In the face of instability it seems that the mind, as illogical as it seems, tries to go against sanity. A very queer mechanism. In the face of high priority problems, the mind just seems to quit, its like there is this sort of “fuck this” switch which could be toggled in an instant without the knowledge of it’s owner. Befell in depression, and just clawing your way out of a well filled with thick mud. Difficult as hell, and the  more we try the more we freak out because somehow it seems to not work. But then we justify ourselves, that this thick mud will soon settle and harden, which means that at least one problem from the eternal shit-list will automatically solve itself, on how to climb out of the well is a completely different problem also nestled somewhere in the eternal shit-list. Do we wait for some good-natured passer by come to the rescue, ladder/rope  in hand? or do we claw our way to the top with the spare energy still left in our souls after struggling just to survive the mud? Again, it is choices, options, wants, and needs. Something so abundant, which for the same reason, becomes the catalyst as well as the obstacle in reaching whatever it is we strive to reach.


Depression averted, for now.

The big bulging feeling inside the head has more or less subsided. The voices squawk no more. Anxiety  lifted by the sound of flutes from my headphone.

Flutes, fucking flutes from a score sheet created hundreds of years past by Mozart.

It takes, an attempted suicide, and a visit to a dear friend in the psychiatric ward, for me at least, to really understand the workings of depression and the struggle to survive this so-called mental illness. To actually survive life, to not give in. To actually put a real meaning to “earning life and all its perks”. We owe ourselves that at least, a chance to earn something. A dream of an average length but fruitful life.

October 4, 2012

The Money:Problem Ratio

Money is what God used to be. Good and evil have no meaning any longer except  failure and success. Hence the profoundly significant phrase, to make good. The Decalogue has been reduced to two commandments. One for the employers — the elect, the money-priesthood as it were –‘Thou shalt make money’; the other for the employed slaves and underlings– ‘Thou shalt not lose thy job.’

-George Orwell in Keep The Aspidistra Flying

In the same novel, Orwell also wrote: “Lack of money means discomfort, means squalid worries, means shortage of tobacco, means ever-present conciousness of failure — above all, it means loneliness.” Although a very timeless, not to mention precise, observation it is also a very naive perspective. Satirically Orwellian  in every aspect, but still, the degree of alienation of what success offers is almost as significant as the loneliness offered by inadequate personal funding. The concept of living day to day with a very limited amount of money will always create this multitudinous level of envy towards welfare states, a friend of mine came back from Germany and told me that, evidently, washing machines and television has been categorized as a basic need for the people there. Here in Indonesia that need is reduced to: “being able to excrete faeces in a hole or something resembling one” and even that doesn’t fare well.

I am not much of a socialist, the concept of shared wealth has always been some sort of ideal type for me in a way, but if that same concept supports the creation of trashpeople1; then perhaps it is a concept de manqué or inelegantly failed concept. A folly on the much larger concept of “taking care of those in need” which evidently somehow fails to pinpoint whom it is that actually has those needs. There was this lecture once in which the roles of the states of the worlds — whether major or minor — has transformed from individual states into a part of this array of global villages, in which each village is interconnected forming more practical means for communication, transportation, and — above all — policy. What isn’t explained is that this global village consists only of the top layer of the society, leaving the bottom feeders to stay in a foetal position and shivering. Kind of like the curdled butter when churning butter, the buttermilk stays on top while the butter clumps down in a vat made out of goat’s stomach devoid of air and light. Not unlike butter, when bad bacteria is introduced to the buttermilk while churning, the butter will also be affected. So when these top level global villaged some percent of society are introduced to new policies and models, the whole society must concur. When policy dictates that capital is the new threshold of happiness, then let it be so.

Of course we shouldn’t be naivete to go as far to say that “money can NOT buy you happiness” and that the joys of life includes sleeping near train tracks and under bridges. By the 9 circles of Dante’s Inferno, of course no! Capital is the core where joyful feelings reside, the actual warm fuzzy feeling that we are so privileged to touch, taste, smell, see, and hear. It is a bargaining position in respect for the lonely and wasted, a means to reach for a somewhat glorified state, a state unlike what we currently dread, what we have conditioned ourselves. Either in bankruptcy or in a secure job working 8 hours plus overtime without ever seeing the sun on weekdays, there is only delusional constructed  loneliness fuelled by the self-loathing created by the undeniable fact of serial wrong-choosing.

In the end, there are no wrong choices. Just misplaced fortunes. Fortunes accessible through the right dosage of option, chances, wants, and needs.


1 Trashpeople: people who exploits the fact that their lives are supported by the hard-working few in which they choose to become lazyfux1.1 because, what’s the point of trying harder? (unrelated to trash men, which in a very big way is of great significance in our society)

1.1 lazyfux: actually, yeah, just lazy fucks

January 3, 2012

Voisez II (For The New Year)

Hide, in the darkness of the new dawn. As it fades, let morn’s light interchange. Through the UV protected tempered glass. Opened just a peep, tragic is to die by carbon monoxide. Death by carbon monoxide. It is dawn, it is cold, it is only logical to keep warm, so warm we may be. The combed cotton on your flesh, needs not to be worn. It cannot protect you from the cold. It is: useless. Let whatever is left of the miniscule quantity of alcohol take over. Let the vapour bask in our brains, let us un-think , let consequence be absent, for there are no consequence. Let morn’s light interchange with the darkness of the new dawn, let it shine through the UV protected tempered glass. Opened just a peep, to escape death by carbon monoxide. A simple precaution. Contorting, shaping, slithering, sighing, to the tempo of shuffled music. The playlist: post-rock. It is for a slow fade. Awaiting morn’s light interchange.

Awoke, in front of the 24 hour convenience store. Morn’s light finally arrives. Shining through the UV protected tempered glass. Opened just a peep to avoid death by carbon monoxide. The new dawn fades, a morning arrives. New Year. End. Routine.

September 7, 2011

A Dick Thing to Say… (From a male point of view)

 People without sexual relations are usually more timorous compared to those who have experienced it. In my opinion anyway (please note that this article as a whole is pure ramble and assumption). Sexual relations here refers to: not exclusively coitus but also foreplay or peripheral sexual activities – petting is one of the main examples. More so if the partner is of mutual consent (not solicited or rape). Whether there is a direct link between sex and timidity I have no valid data, but very simple observations confirm this. There is a confidence, more specifically a phallic confidence, a type of confidence that arises from the concept of: “someone appreciates this thing dangling on my crotch”. This is multiplied by positive feedback regarding the performance of “thing dangling on my crotch” owner from user. Whether it be a sigh, a smile, a gesture, or direct words. The appreciation from a partner creates confidence, because in the end we are still basic mammals underneath all the glitter and chrome that portrays society as humane and civilized that still takes pride on the function of our genitals.

Ego booster or placebo? The feeling of adrenaline, loss of control, primal instincts kicking in, are adequate enough to topple fear and worry boosting the ego and consequent confidence. But is it real? Placebo projects has made me believe that psychological suggestion actually effects physical being. We are what we believe we are in compliment to who we were. Understanding these mechanics are the actual key to really balancing the option-chances/wants-needs that occur in life. True orgasm. Universal fulfillment.

Even the most paranoid and germ-phobic person would let go of fears and do it in a public bathroom stall because the mind numbs and falls into a state of frenzied crave dismissing all logic. To harvest this power is to paving the path to self control and – In extreme conditions – world domination. If we can actually arouse some sort of adrenaline driven, primal psychological state, and physical being by will alone, it would seem hard to find any form of obstacle. But then again there are emotions and other factors that steer us away from a totally unbiased state of sober self control. Being the basic mammals that we are, emotions still come as an integrated packet which we can not fully deny.

It is these emotions – and other factors – that acts as a barrier in reaching our full potential. That said, full potential is actually a myth, an illusion of, an ideal type of sorts. Melancholicly (this is not a word) speaking, in context to the aforementioned phallic confidence, when the physical pleasure is substituted by emotional wants1 the understanding of domination is replaced by submission. For dominant types this results in extreme insecurities, because the imagination of dominance is clouded by the fear of subordination even though in reality they still are dominant. At this point the phallic confidence crumbles and leaves only a residue of itself. This residue is a complexion of fear, anxiety, self-pity, and paranoia rolled into one tiny atom, most likely hydrogen. Little effort is needed to trigger nuclear fusion.

The conclusion: simply, we all need to fill our needs every once in a while and gain confidence from crotch-oriented pleasures even the barriers acquired from emotional instability. This is human and necessary.

Yes, it is that shallow.

1Emotional are always wants, physical are almost always needs and are almost always logical.
March 9, 2011

Being Pretentious

I am who I am and the ideals that i believe in are upheld with great persistence for who I am are defined by these ideals which I truly believe and uphold. Everything else is mere bullshit. -APS

A conversation of ideals and perspectives lead to an interesting conclusion: we are narrow-minded jackasses that refuse to debate the very core of our idealisms. Faith is somewhat a dangerous noun/adjective at a certain level, for when we hold on to an ideology based on faith alone, we become distant from logic. We would not try to understand opposing arguments and quickly dismiss them as threats. To think of it; it’s humorous how majorities are always threatened by minorities. As a majority (a Javanese Muslim) that spends a lot of time with minorities (Chinese and/or Non-Muslims) there does seems to be an idea that minorities have an apt in being more superior.

I realized that some majority groups see minorities as a threat when I attended a pesantren kilat when I was in High School, an ustad (well i assume he was an ustad since i was half asleep (the khotbah (sermon) was at night) and he was sporting a long beard) explicitly said that “we should not support people like Rexy Mainaki (a non-muslim Indonesian badminton player)” and would be better off supporting malaysian players who are muslim. I was 16 at the time and attended catholic school for 9 years, a racist comment like that blew my mind.

A catholic PPKn teacher in my Junor High once said that “we should respect the adzan (muslim call to prayers), because it actually can remind us of the path of christ’s sacrifice” he then explained something about the chronological order of which christ was crucified but I can’t recall the details since I didn’t actually care. Maybe it is because there is a certain fear distilled in minorities which moulds them into peace loving people, because religion wise right wing christians in America are the proprietors of the hate-filled Klu Klux Klan and Irish catholics did promote violence against anglican christian minorities back in the day. So it always boils down to majorities seeing minorities as a threat, not the religion itself.

That aside, what i was trying to point out, is the fact that when we start to fully believe in something fanatically we tend to dismiss logic and start being idiots, trying to attack whatever different prespective than our own, we become pretentious, trying to force everything into a more acceptable point of view (acceptable by ourselves that is) eventhough it sometimes doesn’t and definitely will not fit. I ranted so much that I actually wanted to use my pretentiousness in free culture as an example, but i guess the above points would do nicely.

What the heck, I’ll just tell the free culture thing too.

So my own example would be my interest in free culture, I believe in this ideology so much i refuse to give in to some (in my logic) illogical formats in technology. Let’s call this piece of proprietary technology “BlackB” or “BB” (obvious no?) for short. Since my last cellphone failed, i acquired a used BB smartphone which belonged to my dad, this BB thing has a service which allowed BB holders to communicate with each other with ease. This method to me is a very closed and intrusive system, which is why i refuse to use the service. My belief in openness which is the basic assumption of free culture has made me so narrow minded that I would not even considering in using that option and hence removing my chance to wider communcation possibilities. What was based on the upholding of ideals become purely silly. This device has a potential to simplify communication, why should I refuse to accepting that? In the end I am another narrow-minded jackass that refuses to be fucked out of my ideals.

No, I haven’t activated the service and probably never will, I am just that pig headed.

December 5, 2010

Winning (As In The Eyes of A Child)…

Winning is subjective, an ambiguity. Which  contains the questionable factors of what and how; what do we actually win and how exactly do we win? A statement contrast to popular – and childish – belief of what are we winning and how do we win it? Similar? Well, yes, seemingly, but if we examine closely the latter statement focuses on material values, a tangible object. Where as the former seeks explanation for the meaning, it’s substance. Bear in mind: winning sometimes is a losing battle; it seems that what we win sometimes feel inadequate, not worth the effort, hence it is a loss even though material values are achieved. Personally for me, being at the winning end triggers a slight feeling of loss. Yet, the ego proves strong, denying such grief and calculating the cost-benefit ratio. The benefit precedes.

Or so, I would like to think that.

The win is beneficial in terms that it boosts moral and raise confidence, but there are still these inconsistencies between gloat and guilt. I have won; the other shows a need for me more than i need said other. Logically, i have the upper-hand, but the fact is that losing that someone is still… a loss… a loss intended but alas, a loss nonetheless. And especially since it was predetermined, the guilt seems burdening to a point where the win seems more of a total loss. But we cope, we move on, for many of them come and go; constantly variable. This would probably be what the end of adolescence amounts to: a definitive firm pose in which we obligatorily  carry the weight of the consequences upon ourselves. Neverland has never seemed so far behind.