January 22, 2013

Peduli apa terjadi, terus berlari tak terhenti. Untuk raih harapan, di dalam tangisan tertahan. -Pure Saturday (1996)

October 10, 2012

Voisez III

I am not here to lecture, for who am I? One of the many unspecials roaming the walk of life, assimilating with the majority, finding its place in society. Being part of the great dramaturgy. Wearing all these masks and goggles exchanging one with the other and on the way collecting more. Learning, as well as advising, at least trying to advise what little we have learned to others that face what we have faced before. To face all with all these synthetic faces. Being, more or less, human.

Depression, one of the most common “mind disease” or commonly referred as disorders. I have seen once, with my own eyes, how depression can really consume someone’s sanity. Knowing this fact, it has always been somewhat a reminder for me, to endlessly seek for better coping mechanisms on how to at least suppress these faceless voices, the hallucination, and the constant overburdening fear and anxiety that comes abrupt and almost unnoticeable. Writing this almost meaningless — and mostly for archival purposes — post is one of them. Pin-pointing where in my life in which I start to feel these insecurities, and analysing what little data there is. As always, the mind is one of the biggest jerks that we face in our lives. In the face of instability it seems that the mind, as illogical as it seems, tries to go against sanity. A very queer mechanism. In the face of high priority problems, the mind just seems to quit, its like there is this sort of “fuck this” switch which could be toggled in an instant without the knowledge of it’s owner. Befell in depression, and just clawing your way out of a well filled with thick mud. Difficult as hell, and the  more we try the more we freak out because somehow it seems to not work. But then we justify ourselves, that this thick mud will soon settle and harden, which means that at least one problem from the eternal shit-list will automatically solve itself, on how to climb out of the well is a completely different problem also nestled somewhere in the eternal shit-list. Do we wait for some good-natured passer by come to the rescue, ladder/rope  in hand? or do we claw our way to the top with the spare energy still left in our souls after struggling just to survive the mud? Again, it is choices, options, wants, and needs. Something so abundant, which for the same reason, becomes the catalyst as well as the obstacle in reaching whatever it is we strive to reach.


Depression averted, for now.

The big bulging feeling inside the head has more or less subsided. The voices squawk no more. Anxiety  lifted by the sound of flutes from my headphone.

Flutes, fucking flutes from a score sheet created hundreds of years past by Mozart.

It takes, an attempted suicide, and a visit to a dear friend in the psychiatric ward, for me at least, to really understand the workings of depression and the struggle to survive this so-called mental illness. To actually survive life, to not give in. To actually put a real meaning to “earning life and all its perks”. We owe ourselves that at least, a chance to earn something. A dream of an average length but fruitful life.

October 4, 2012

The Money:Problem Ratio

Money is what God used to be. Good and evil have no meaning any longer except  failure and success. Hence the profoundly significant phrase, to make good. The Decalogue has been reduced to two commandments. One for the employers — the elect, the money-priesthood as it were –‘Thou shalt make money’; the other for the employed slaves and underlings– ‘Thou shalt not lose thy job.’

-George Orwell in Keep The Aspidistra Flying

In the same novel, Orwell also wrote: “Lack of money means discomfort, means squalid worries, means shortage of tobacco, means ever-present conciousness of failure — above all, it means loneliness.” Although a very timeless, not to mention precise, observation it is also a very naive perspective. Satirically Orwellian  in every aspect, but still, the degree of alienation of what success offers is almost as significant as the loneliness offered by inadequate personal funding. The concept of living day to day with a very limited amount of money will always create this multitudinous level of envy towards welfare states, a friend of mine came back from Germany and told me that, evidently, washing machines and television has been categorized as a basic need for the people there. Here in Indonesia that need is reduced to: “being able to excrete faeces in a hole or something resembling one” and even that doesn’t fare well.

I am not much of a socialist, the concept of shared wealth has always been some sort of ideal type for me in a way, but if that same concept supports the creation of trashpeople1; then perhaps it is a concept de manqué or inelegantly failed concept. A folly on the much larger concept of “taking care of those in need” which evidently somehow fails to pinpoint whom it is that actually has those needs. There was this lecture once in which the roles of the states of the worlds — whether major or minor — has transformed from individual states into a part of this array of global villages, in which each village is interconnected forming more practical means for communication, transportation, and — above all — policy. What isn’t explained is that this global village consists only of the top layer of the society, leaving the bottom feeders to stay in a foetal position and shivering. Kind of like the curdled butter when churning butter, the buttermilk stays on top while the butter clumps down in a vat made out of goat’s stomach devoid of air and light. Not unlike butter, when bad bacteria is introduced to the buttermilk while churning, the butter will also be affected. So when these top level global villaged some percent of society are introduced to new policies and models, the whole society must concur. When policy dictates that capital is the new threshold of happiness, then let it be so.

Of course we shouldn’t be naivete to go as far to say that “money can NOT buy you happiness” and that the joys of life includes sleeping near train tracks and under bridges. By the 9 circles of Dante’s Inferno, of course no! Capital is the core where joyful feelings reside, the actual warm fuzzy feeling that we are so privileged to touch, taste, smell, see, and hear. It is a bargaining position in respect for the lonely and wasted, a means to reach for a somewhat glorified state, a state unlike what we currently dread, what we have conditioned ourselves. Either in bankruptcy or in a secure job working 8 hours plus overtime without ever seeing the sun on weekdays, there is only delusional constructed  loneliness fuelled by the self-loathing created by the undeniable fact of serial wrong-choosing.

In the end, there are no wrong choices. Just misplaced fortunes. Fortunes accessible through the right dosage of option, chances, wants, and needs.


1 Trashpeople: people who exploits the fact that their lives are supported by the hard-working few in which they choose to become lazyfux1.1 because, what’s the point of trying harder? (unrelated to trash men, which in a very big way is of great significance in our society)

1.1 lazyfux: actually, yeah, just lazy fucks

September 29, 2012

Just Another Dump File

I haven’t really anything to say — well not so much as usual — but it seems that I have this egocentric drive that ushers me into writing. I only haven’t written for a month and I feel as if I haven’t written in years. Hyperbolic as that fact is, it is mostly true, that there seems to be an itch to publish something. Nothing important of course, just to ease the mind from sediments of cyclical thoughts that keeps on going for a large  part of my life; A “dump file”, just large enough to spare me from uneasiness, uncomfortability (as usual, not really a word), and other un-sensations. Truth be told, as apparent ageing proceeds, this “dump file” seems to leave smaller a footprint than usual. Life is somewhat good, when contemplation is redirected/misdirected into seeing — whether sincere or in denial — the end in mind. Not particularly goal oriented just believing that you know where your going. The word believe is chosen because no one really knows to where their visions may take them. To have ideals and such is a mighty tool into empowering this belief. This pseudo-faith at least keeps your drive to succeed high enough.

Success, if such a word really does exist beyond the planes of concepts, theories, and the ideal type, would be the nirvana of all working class/social climbers/drones/gold diggers/bottom feeders/opportunity scrapers/etc. The final resting plane for the next hike into the peak point of living. Definitions, terminologies, construction of meaning, a nondescript set of words that remind us that there will always be a last chapter, the nihilist’s nightmare.

Leaving the 19th Floor, not looking back, redefining memories and the usual consequences of action escorts me to a sort of realization that somehow we always need a change of scene. Compromise, as non-idealistic as it may be, is a constant that seems to pester existence in general. To submit to values and ideals outside of our minuscule knowledge, dwarfed by the massiveness of the universe, we are but humble nodes insignificant enough yet essential for the operability of life, the universe, and everything else. A node who if self-conscious enough may mould into whatever it desires to be, make themselves with whatever may facilitate its journey.

July 9, 2012


Changed my license to WTFPL, thought it would be more fun.

July 2, 2012

Post-Modern Dramaturgy

This post has been neglected and unpublished since May 20th 2012,

Dramaturgy has, in a sense, evolved. From the theatre stage to the live studio. A pretentious art house TV serial if you will. A much gritty remix from the likes of 90’s Friends or the currently popular How I Met Your Mother, in which the supporting characters are cut out from time to time, and very much replaceable. They are after all generic roles. Glitter to what seems a fulfilling and meaningful life, these supporting roles add richness to ones life but are, nonetheless, of no added value to what is considered to be something so fulfilling and meaningful. Contentment of sorts on what we define as our far from drab lives. Subjective colourful additives that we conclude from delusion to state that we live the normative, that we are fine. We are the central characters and most of those unimportant extras are freely added and excluded from our multi-seasonal-high-budget-long-running sitcom/soap.

A society that adds and rejects social relationships in a routine manner: is life imitating social media or did social media build its foundation on this very fact? We have been selecting our main characters in our sitcom/soap since our first social interaction. This is based on the fact that who we choose or don’t choose to become friends with, how we interact with our siblings, quality on how we involve our parents, who we choose to become our romantic partners, how we interact with authority, etc. Who we surround us with was a choice we made along the way, which started a long time ago. We have a choice to be solitude or outgoing, popular or secluded, fit-in or eccentric, and yet with all those choices, we still can also choose to be noticed or not. The main purpose of a sitcom/soap is to interest viewers on the initial pitch. Some gain an audience, some fail. The difference between real life sitcoms/soaps and television network broadcasts are that even the sitcoms/soaps that don’t gain audience still survive on air (at least as long as the main character stays alive that is). Imagine a sitcom/soap that that spans 20 seasons, filled only with monologues or lack thereof, with this bastard typing on his computer keyboard for years on end  masturbating from time to time in some small community housing in some first world country.

Anyway, the above would be the front stage. What the audience sees, what happens in the backstage, at least in traditional form, are usually reserved for ones own inner thoughts, ranging from the manic to depressive passing through a whole bunch of gradients. The concept of live studio takes this backstage to the audience. We see it a lot in blogs like this one, on twitter, on facebook status, and more recently on path. What the post-modern society delivers is an in your face experience of things we would rather see in the backstage, and not unlike live studio, backstages are somehow set up; scripted bloopers and the like. Re-imaging as a means to be what we want others to perceive: the looking glass self backwards.  Online social media has challenged the whole concept of symbolic interactionism, where the individual does not need the others feedback, hiding behind a virtual wall that protects the individual with random justification.

January 19, 2012

Free Culture: Potentially Going Overboard

I might just point this out before everything sacred turns profane. Ideas are free. Especially in the libre sense of the word. Today, this point of view is getting more popular and more acceptable for laypeople; those outside the academic and professional sector. I’ve been supporting — in spirit at least — this movement for the past two years and not planning to abandoning it in the near future. This blog even uses a free license.

But here’s the catch: like everything that was designed to educate the masses, it will not go well, not at all perfect. The vast flow of information — in this case amateur information — has actually caused an informational tsunami in where there are no longer filters that help us validate what are urgent, important, or plain crap (some old bullshit). If corporate media was criticized for disinformation, this leads to misinformation.

A sort of accidental disinformation.

Which can be far worse.

Because this is The Internet.

Where the reach of information is way beyond anything imagined before.

So, why is this a problem? Surely you would believe that you’re smart enough to apply your own filters, of course you are, who isn’t? Andrew Keen pointed out nicely in his book The Cult of The Amateur: How Internet is Killing Our Culture that on the internet the amateur sometimes outweighs the academics and professional. Like IRL (“in real life” for those non-geeks) the mass popular wins over the educated few, this becomes true in forums that tend to misguide or even defy laws of logic and are held true by these mass popular fundamentalists. Keen himself has been portrayed as an idiot by some people, yes i agree he is hyperbolic, but still he has a very good point.

What differs between corporate media and open knowledge is that one misguides for a purpose (either political, financial, religious, etc.) and the other misguides for the sake of misguidance. Plain and stupid misguidance in which the misguider (i don’t think this is a word) himself has no idea that he is misguiding.

I am not saying that SOPA or PIPA is a good idea, internet censorship is actually a hilarious concept. A tired concept put forth by Orwell about six decades ago: the monitoring of the world. Even if SOPA and PIPA were made for that exact reason, it wont be long until people make independent hubs that evade monitored network, a sort of pirate connection outside the system. (i would point out how US policy affects most of the “civilized” world, but that would be pointless)

But that is besides the point, most users on the internet are consumers, and the content producers are often not more knowledgeable — sometimes less — than the consumers themselves. Which will make open knowledge unreliable, prone to misinformation, and just poorly made. The reason this becomes a problem is that free culture/open knowledge has the potential to become a worthy adversary to a. formal education b. corporate media c. mainstream entertainment. The bloated properties of user content only dismisses this potential.

In the spirit of maintaining the continuity of free culture/open knowledge this should be the basis of content creation:

1. seek professional assistance (not implying to go to a shrink, but if you feel you must….)

2. read a book (pirated books if you live in a third world country)

3. refer to whatever contains truism and validity

4. end hunger

5. world peace

#freeculture #libreculture #openknowledge

January 3, 2012

Voisez II (For The New Year)

Hide, in the darkness of the new dawn. As it fades, let morn’s light interchange. Through the UV protected tempered glass. Opened just a peep, tragic is to die by carbon monoxide. Death by carbon monoxide. It is dawn, it is cold, it is only logical to keep warm, so warm we may be. The combed cotton on your flesh, needs not to be worn. It cannot protect you from the cold. It is: useless. Let whatever is left of the miniscule quantity of alcohol take over. Let the vapour bask in our brains, let us un-think , let consequence be absent, for there are no consequence. Let morn’s light interchange with the darkness of the new dawn, let it shine through the UV protected tempered glass. Opened just a peep, to escape death by carbon monoxide. A simple precaution. Contorting, shaping, slithering, sighing, to the tempo of shuffled music. The playlist: post-rock. It is for a slow fade. Awaiting morn’s light interchange.

Awoke, in front of the 24 hour convenience store. Morn’s light finally arrives. Shining through the UV protected tempered glass. Opened just a peep to avoid death by carbon monoxide. The new dawn fades, a morning arrives. New Year. End. Routine.

November 18, 2011


Everyone is fucked up, everyone in their own way. – Anonymous

Social beings, like many of us, by default crave acceptance. Recognition by the masses, no matter how small that mass may be. Extending the fifteen minutes of fame so prominently proclaimed by Warhol – which was more likely caused by the short attention span of the hipsters of those days and their regeneration, until now – into more or less a half hour variety show but hardly gets any better than that. Like so many post-modern anomalies, instead of re-imaging ones appearances to a more stable, resourceful, and civilized personality; they pity themselves crying that their lives were fucked – usually more than one ways, including the literal meaning – and that they cant help themselves for being a total attention whore.

Good argument, a valid one at that. Yet, I don’t give a fuck.

There are actually two types of people – that I know of – who present themselves as “involuntarily fucked up” or in a simpler jargon “troubled”, the first is those who are actually troubled, and the other the not so troubled or “troublesome” as this ramble points out. The difference of the two is that: one actually has been conditioned by external forces, constructing such a personality which may up one’s chances to survive in society; and the other one becomes troubled by themselves because of their lack of adaptation into society. The latter actually wrecks themselves, creating drama of sorts to justify their inability to adapt to norms and standardized rules of society while simultaneously envying those who actually can adapt especially those who they feel are “similar” to them. The probable cause why these troublesome people act the way the do is probably frustration in the process of fitting in.

Regarding to the troublesome category, we probably see these people everyday, especially if you are still in high school (or of equal level) or university (or of equal level). These are the ones who usually have everything but problems. They are usually the privileged who lack a pivotal position in the society of their peers, but this is a whole-heartedly blind assumption. These are the pseudo-quasi-[unintelligible word here] conditions in which the person burden themselves with seemingly unsolvable problems in which (part of) society would not dare sympathize for these burdens – for the fact that they are (disturbingly) undeniably specific. The kind of fuck-ups that doesn’t really happen to a large amount of people in a large area in society. Somehow a confession of sorts; signifying that: “I am an idiot/insane but I can not help myself – but no, wait, I actually can, I’m just too fucking selfish to fix myself, let others pay for my inconveniences, fuck ’em!” Alas, no actual fucking involved.

Sometimes, these are quirks, leaving the troublesome unaware of their actions of attention seeking and/or solicitation. When that is the case, fine. Something may be worked to avoid extensive damage. The crime is when the action of attention seeking and/or solicitation is actually premeditated. Meaning: they exploit the fact that their conditioning draws sympathy and pity. The problem is that these people – the troublesomes – actually and ignorantly label themselves “troubled” as if it was some sort of achieved status by means of attention seeking and/or solicitation. Eventually, to keep this “troubled” status valid, they continue to fuck themselves rounding up more sympathy and pity into a state where they actually believe they are troubled.

I would usually sum this whole ramble with the usual case-in -point, but – ah, screw it. Case in point: the concept of troubled/troublesome was actually discovered after a series of conversations with some people who label themselves troubled. The most ridiculous aspect being there was a group of them, openly calling themselves troubled. Gag or not, I actually sensed an actuality of collective faith in this group; that they were indeed troubled. Problem is: they made themselves what they are; a conditioning, whether accidental or on purpose. What they are, whatever they are, that created this self-pity movement , is hyperbolic at most. Yes, they do have problems, specific problems that are – as stated above – uncommon. But yet, they drew all that to themselves; a blame game played solo.

Fucked is when you actually have seen with your own eyes: a body lifeless, taken by it’s own hands, laying cold and motionless and being punished for it for most of your life growing up. That is what troubled is fueled by.

The human mind is a beauty at work. As though an abstract randomized burst of neurons linking to one another but creating a pattern observable if closely peeked. In seek of solitude and the company of society simultaneously. Parallels of paradox woven and interlocked.

November 13, 2011

Just Like… What He Said:

Like everyone else I feel the need of relations and friendship, of affection, of friendly intercourse, and I am not made of stone or iron, so I cannot miss these things without feeling, as does any other intelligent and honest man, a void and deep need.
– Van Gogh as quoted from Paul Auster’s “The Invention of Solitude”