Archive for May, 2020

May 26, 2020

Voisez VIII: Those Who May Go Away

Having a lot creates a bipartisan feeling of gratitude and grief; knowing that you have a lot equals knowing you may lose a lot. Having a family — both biological and spiritual — realizing that that can go away, that it can cease to exist. At a younger age these same people are treated as my safety net, now you try your best so they don’t need to be anymore. Through the years my sanity was kept check by my spiritual family, my financial stability by my biological family. I no longer need be a burden to both, but remembering all that has passed, all that has begotten, all that has been achieved, it feels that losing them — however that may be — is a truly potential loss. How I have fucked up at times, passed judgement, and still accepted is the most humane that I have been treated. I believed in achieving a goal once, and that goal has been achieved, and achievement leaves a sense of emptiness that seems hard to fill, especially at times like these. Potential loss is an unrealistic idea, it is grief speculated, which logically does not compute. But the brain is wired in some convoluted way that it seems to make sense, it seems to be something to ponder on. It shouldn’t, grief is always after the fact, not to be expected. It is an inverse hope. While hope poisons the mind on speculated gratification, this does the opposite. There isn’t even a word for this that I can think of. This is obviously a byproduct of uncertainty, that is definite, a byproduct of these emotions I have been having lately. Sometimes you crave the unfeeling you had way back when, but you also can’t help but feel gracious on top of these emotions. But then it may be phantom anger, anger on things past, regret so suppressed that it resurfaces as a weird notion that can’t be described. Being so used to being angry all the time at everyone rewires your head in which that when there is no one to blame it gets stuck in this never ending for loop. The only choice now is to go forward, to glimpse back for reference sake, and to go through the motions until the next big thing comes along. Tomorrow is the day after’s yesterday. Choose gratitude, let grief be a reminder, acknowledge how your brain behaves.

May 7, 2020

The 8th Floor, At This Age

Nine Years ago but in hindsight the feeling has not change, it wasn’t adulthood or age that was the problem. Toxic environments are toxic, and it does not matter how old you have become, it still can get to you. Even when the issue is no longer financial, the gargantuan weight of understanding the reality of office politics is enough to collapse your faith in living organisms. The realization that the degree of egotistic self can reach levels unfathomable to human understanding. Self determination is tertiary to the institution that is the self contained circle jerk that is the department. Illusions are created in the most unconvincing, cheap polystyrene foam and rusted wires all painted in the colour of pale neon orange. Incompetence is obvious, clear to see, bureaucratic blinders shade the easiest options. Chaos ensues, in the name of competition, in the name of who could care less. The masterfully crafted ideas of banality and stupidity, holding up the foundation of status quo. It’ll be over soon now they keep saying, but soon is a fallible concept. Time relativity only hold true to reality, a fog wall of facade does not bend to the physics of tangible senses. It will continue, if not there, then somewhere else. This is reality, this is the idea that we will never learn, that people survive by this thread of determination. A hair-thin line of demanding their wants, entitlement to the universe that they have given their fair share, that they have sacrificed enough to get what is just. Which can be debated, as the concept of just is self serving. Just in the fundamental sense only observes the subject that claims what is just to itself. It does not care if the just for it can be harmful to others, others only can claim their own just. A contestation between self determined just between actors, the winners are those with the ability to care less about others. The ego serving the id is the most powerful tool for any living organism to control and conquer.  The pinnacle of this is to reach the point where others ego can be used to serve one’s id. It is life’s highest form of rule.